The Zen of Poke: A Facebook Story

i've been meaning to write about this for awhile; finally this weekend after listening to Blake Commagere talk about user behavior patterns @ AppCamp i think the subject has steeped enough in my head to put to pen (or at least my limited understanding of it).  in any case, here goes...

Poke: It's not [just] about Sex

"When we created the poke, we thought it would be cool to have a feature without any specific purpose..."  - Facebook Help Topic

yeah right. and i read Playboy FHM for the articles, too.

When i first heard about Poke (as in Poke on Facebook), as with most people my initial reaction was to smirk & reflect on the sexual connotations of the term.  Altho the official line is that Poke was created to be the simplest possible gesture to keep in touch with friends, everybody i've spoken with also thinks about the implied hookup angle as the other meaning of the feature.  certainly for the new user / uninitiated, it's almost impossible *NOT* to think about "poke" = "to have sex".

in actuality, I think both interpretations are common.  and in fact i believe both are also correct... depending on the circumstance.  Going further, i think there are a million possible meanings & interpretations that lie somewhere between those two extremes.  Like Aloha for Hawaiians, the context, tone, & inflection of "Poke" is what conveys 90% of its meaning, rather than simply the usage of the word itself.  understanding the meaning behind the poke is like looking at a painting by Escher or listening to music by Debussy -- it's all about hearing the spaces *between* the notes / sounds.  yeah ok, that sounds like bullshit, but still... well, maybe you just have to poke to get what i mean.  if you know what i mean.  er, um... ok, whatever.

so let's take a look at the range of meaning that a "poke" could encompass:

The Poke Spectrum

A poke could mean any of the following:

• hey there
• how are you doing?
• i'm too busy to write you an email or call, but i'm thinking about you
• holy crap, did you hear the Red Sox won the ALCS?
• just sent you an email; check it out
• hey let's go have a beer
• did you finish that project yet?
• hey, why haven't you written me an email / wall post lately?
• i just wrote on your wall, check it out
• we're in a poke war, and no way i'm blinking motherfucker.. back atcha!
• gee, you're cute
• i don't really care about you that much, but i'm poking you anyway to make you think i do
• hey respond to my email dammit
• i don't know who you are, but you're cute
• just broke up with my ex, looking for a one-night stand/rebound
• let's have sex
• you're way outta my league & i have no chance of having sex with you, but maybe you'll poke me back anyway
• yo, what up?

now the amazing thing is that at first glance it appears you have very little data to figure out which of these meanings your poke it all about.  but if you talk to folks who've been using Facebook for awhile, they'll tell you there are MANY little signals surrounding that poke to help you fill in the gaps.  such as:

• have i / they poked recently?  how long ago?  who poked who last?
• are there recent (or not) emails, phone calls, wall posts, or other info between you?
• is this someone you know well, friendly, or never met before?
• is this person cute, horny, fugly, sought after, a stalker, etc?
• is this person same or opposite sex?  older / younger?   family member?
  
• are they a friend bordering on S.O. that you flirt with?  are they a friend's S.O that's "off limits"?
• do you work with / go to school with / is there a non-sexual connotation you can claim as excuse?
• is this a business partner / family member where no sexual interpretation is even in question?
• is this a drinking buddy /girls club / team mate?

All in All, It's Just Another Poke on Your Wall?

after collecting all this information & mashing it together, you suddenly have a lot more data than just the poke -- you now have a rich tapestry of social data & fabric knit around the poke; as if the poke were simply one stitch in the pattern (feed?) produced by the jacquard loom of your social network.  your job is now to stare at this cloth full of color & texture, discover the embedded micro-patterns, on down into the smallest little social details... and somewhere in the weave, you blissfully arrive fully-awakened and self-aware, comfortably wrapped up in the Zen of Poke. 

and it's at that exact moment you become one with the Feed, and every Poke makes perfect sense.  OMMMMMMmmmmmmm.

ok, so may that's a little out there, but some part of my own little Facebook hallucination does feel like that.  it's weird but i remember the distinct moment when all this "clicked" into place for me -- i was hanging out up at a conference in Seattle, and all of a sudden poke wasn't this weird thing that meant i wanted to bang someone... it was like a light tap on the shoulder in the blogosphere.  i started scrolling down a list of friends on my mobile phone and just poking several people at random.  poke, poke, poke.  and i giggled at myself.  i was giddy, drunk with the Power of Poke!

...and it felt like the most natural thing.

except that a month earlier, it would have been the most UNnatural thing.

have you ever had the experience of hearing an unusual new or foreign word for the first-time, and thinking "how strange! what a weird word!", and then a few months later, you're tossing it around like you've said it every day of your life... well that's how it was for me with Poke.  i had crossed over.

so at least for me & my over-35 demographic, Poke seems less about hooking up & more about saying "hey there" or just keeping in touch.  then again, it's possible i'm not hip enough or young enough (or single enough?) to really see the more flirtatious side of "poke" in all its glory. 

in summary: i believe it is possible for Poke to be both Platonic & Playful, both Benign and Sublime, to mean Nothing and yet Everything at the same time.  but whichever meaning is intended or interpreted, there is a simple beauty & mystery around Poke which i find fascinating.

don't you?

Comments

[francine hardaway]

This is a kickass post. I love the care with which you have analyzed something so unbelievably trivial :-)

[kay]

umm, dave, don't know how to tell you this, but your pokes are kinda weird...i think you should join my fb group: http://stanford.facebook.com/group.php?gid=2229568526

[jeremy liew]

Dave,

One of my post web 2.0 summit insights was similar - the importance of lightweight interactions (like poke) in not just social networks, but also in real life - its one of the reasons that poke+ apps have been popular, to give more context and flavor to lightweight interactions. More on this if you click my name

[Mo Kakwan]

Blogosphere and Web community folk use facebook much more differently then the average kids in school.

In school you get scoffed at if someone tries to add you and they don't know you. And poke back at school meant let's start a poke war as a means of maintaining contact. You get poked, your job is to poke back as fast as possible. This goes on until one person gives up.

I have not had a poke war with anyone in the blogosphere/geek circle yet. *laugh* Perhaps it's a difference of age and/or maturity.

[Jeremiah Owyang]

You should include a poke haiku Dave. let's meditate.

[Laura Childs]

Getting poked and poking back is lightweight fun in my circle, but it can turn ugly when you add the Superlatives app in FaceBook and deem your best friend's husband as the "guy most likely to poke me"!

[howardgr]

The very light touch
In Cyberspace it arrives
Again I am poked.

Jeremiah did ask for a Haiku, no?

[Lawrence Sinclair]

It honestly never crossed my mind that poke had any sexual connotations. In fact, half the people who have poked me have been men, and I am quite sure none of them were gay (not that there is anything wrong with that). I presume they didn't have any idea about the connotations of their actions either. Now, about the women; maybe I shouldn't have been so annoyed by their actions. No wonder I don't have a girlfriend; I just don't get these things :-)

[Eric]

I can guarantee you that among the college student demographic, the poke means only one thing... as my one friend put it... "poke is just a friendly Hey there, I'd do you." and that's pretty much it.

Poke wars are usually just a stronger indication that one or both poke-rs need to get rid of some sexual tension and hook up already.

If you want to say something like "what's up", "where have you been", etc... it goes on the wall. Otherwise poke = I'd hook up with you.

It's interesting how one demographic has interpreted poke much differently than another.

[David Kendall]

So Dave - I think what you are saying is that on-line interactions share all the subtleties, ambiguities, and variety that face-to-face interactions have.

I bet if I search and replaced the work Poke with "smiled as we passed in the hallway" - this post would still make a lot of sense.

I loved reading it though. Makes me wish I was young enough and hip enough to appreciate 'poke in all its glory'.

[Yulia]

Dave, as much as it is a good post, I am still at a loss why Poke exists... as I was wondering today and Googled its meaning, because every time i got a Poke, I did not understand what I am supposed to do? Poke back and what? Did not want to appear impolite…It was always and even now a dilemma to me in regards to call to action. I would respond to wall posts, comment in messages, but Poke? To me it was always an unclear communication gesture...like getting into a foreign country and trying to get the rules straight - equivalent to the "how are you?" - without a need to actually share "how I am really doing" ;)

[BJ Fogg]

We're reading this article now in my pscyhology of facebook class. Nice work, Dave (as usual)!